just a second

i don't think i’ve truly felt whole. there were times where the absence was just a echo in the back of my mind muffled by life and laughter and joy and brightness. but somewhere along the way, that piece, so singular and crucial i didn't even recall losing it, became jagged, a deep profound cut that never really closes. it’s just there. open. growing a bit each day, feeding of the darkness that has become a known companion. gnawing at this thing we call a soul.

so each day, a tiny piece of me leaves, blowing with the wind to god knows where. and the hole deepens, gets darker, takes up just a little more space, and everyday i feel it growing stronger, feel it slowly expanding as if someday it will swallow me whole. so i swim. i'm always swimming. to stay afloat, to have a chance to live my own life, to survive my own mind. the doubts, the dark, the twisted bad feelings coil inside me, feeding that insatiable monster that consumes everything in me. every laugh, every memory touched by light, every pleasure. and day by day i loose myself. lose this battle i wage in the mirror. and everyday i think of surrending. of waving that white flag and just rest, just stop swimming. it would be so easy, peaceful, a reprieve from an existance of shouldering the world while also being crushed under the weight of it. with each day a new pebble is added to that mountain. and i honestly don't know how much more i can take until my knees buckle.

but everyday i remind myself of every person that crosses and marks my life, every action of kindness, every moment i feel that joyful bright feeling, and i have to tell myself it’s worth it because it is. life is meant to be lived, not survived. i have to take a second and repeat that to myself, but it’s that second that saves me everyday.